The Joke Page

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing”

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After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar.
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you, you pig!”

Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says,

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.”

To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, $200!?!”

….

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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

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Diary of an Englishman settling in the city of Brisbane, Australia.

August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Brisbane!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn’t been below 30 all week. How do People get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather up- holstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat poo. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $450,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It’s 35 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this darn humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th:
If another person says, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car’s radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my butt was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my bum. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried bum, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can’t live in this heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner’s gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and
said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? Ya kiddin me!!!!

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The Texas Chili Eating Contest

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened like a schmuk to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other Two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster

Chili Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing basic kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner

Chili Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the panicky look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn

Chili Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can no longer focus my eyes. I wet farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Jesus my poor east coast cute ass is burning a hole in my designer underpants…..

Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3– I shit on myself (again) when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

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The Masquerade Party

A couple were invited to a swanky masquerade fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He protested but she argued, said she was going to take some painkillers and go to bed. So he took his costume away and went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for a while, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him. She soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor dancing with loads of women, flirting, kissing and copping a few sly feels. His wife went up to him, and being a seductive babe herself, he devoted himself to her, unaware of who she was. She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband, and they ended up having intercourse in the back seat of a car. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and put the costume away, getting into bed and wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked how the evening went. He replied, “Actually I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Peter, Bill and some other guys so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening”. She sarcastically said “You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night”, to which the husband replied “I gave my costume to your Dad and he apparently he had the time of his life”.

Ouch.

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Supermarket Pickup

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly slurred, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, ” ‘Cause you’re ugly.”

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Bravery – is arriving home late after a guy’s night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

True Bravery – is coming home late, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and saying, “You’re next.”

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