David Thorne vs the cat lover

Unashamedly copied from David Thorns’e website (please visit; don’t just read my copy-paste homage to Mr Thorne and his display of the true meaning of “wit”).

philthy’s note to Mr Thorne: if you feel I’ve breached copyright by copying your text here on this blog/site, please feel free to compliment me on this and I will remove the offending article.

From: Ella Johnson
Date: Tuesday 31 May 2011 2.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Book

I’ve perused your website before and must admit I laughed at the story about the police officer. I work in a bookstore and when your book came in as stock, I made the mistake of browsing through it. While some of it was mildly amusing, you crossed the fine line between dark humor and psychopathy.

It’s quite jarring to go from laughing at drawings of spiders to reading your fantasies about torturing and killing cats. This ruined the book for me. Animal cruelty is a mental illness and usually the first sign of a sociopath. Serial killers torture animals when they are young. It’s my most fervent opinion that you need to find a highly skilled psychiatrist post-haste and I have left a review on Amazon warning potential buyers.

Ella J
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 31 May 2011 3.28pm
To: Ella Johnson
Subject: Re: Book

Dear Ellla,
Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated “I am interested in your nipples” or not. Cats have nineteen.

As people can only provide unbiased opinions about things they have no interest in, your zealous fervour regarding cats is understood but misdirected. At no time have I ever “fantasized about torturing and killing cats.” This is an assumption you have made and I am puzzled to its origin. Are you referring to the article titled David and his best friends spend a day at the beach on page 116? I have attached an excerpt.

Regards, David.

From: Ella Johnson
Date: Tuesday 31 May 2011 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Book

No of course I’m not because you just made that up. There is nothing in the book about cats making you their king. I was referring to at least 3 articles that mention cats being tortured or killed. The text on the page number you mentioned actually states:
“I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.”

The thought of a cat being trapped and frightened in a box in the dark and slowly starving to death is what you call humor? Pathetic. You need to take a good long look at yourself and seriously consider seeing a psychiatrist for your own safety and those around you. I have no idea how you managed to get published by Penguin writing disgusting material that cleary illustrates a complete lack of morals and ethics.

Ella J
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 31 May 2011 4.57pm
To: Ella Johnson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Book

Dear Ella,
I never stated the cat starved to death and you have simply assumed that it didn’t enjoy the experience. Cats like being in boxes. Also, it was a fairly big box. I could understand your concern if it had been a shoebox but it was at least twice that size. It is easy to take something written out of its original context and make it look bad.

A few years ago, I was commissioned to write copy for an annual publication produced by Top Tourist Parks of Australia. After a print run of seventy-five thousand and distribution throughout Australia and New Zealand, it was discovered that I had left the letter v out of the word ‘dive’ and the introduction for a five-star family resort activity stated “Die with your children. A new world awaits.” Apparently a child had drowned the year before so I admit it was bad timing but these things happen, there’s no point carrying on about it.

Also, despite your opinion that I am without either morals or ethics, many of the articles in the book have an underlying message expressing the contrary. I have attached the article David and his best friends go to the movies which clearly illustrates this.

Regards, David.

From: Ella Johnson
Date: Wednesday 01 June 2011 9.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book

Obviously we have differing opinions on what constitutes acceptable ethics and offensive humor. I suggest reading some of Chelsea Handler’s books. Her humor is spot on and while she can be a bit risque at times, she never crosses the line like your book does. You could learn a lot from her.

Fortunately, in my store at least, I am in a position to dictate where on the shelves your book is displayed so nobody will see it and I will also be sure to warn customers against buying it if they bring it to the counter. Good luck with sales, you will need it.

Ella J
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 01 June 2011 2.14am
To: Ella Johnson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book

Dear Ella,
Your efforts to protect both cats and customers should not go unacknowledged. If you have access to a printer and scissors, you could make yourself a little badge. Anyone can form an opinion but it takes a certain type of person to carry that opinion through to consumer censorship. In a million years, if mankind dies out and cats inherit the earth, they will probably build a statue of you featuring a cat nestled in one arm, a can of petrol in the other, and a pile of my books at your feet. Or one of you cleaning your bum with your tongue.

Unfortunately, your efforts to impinge book sales are not required as Penguin’s marketing team seems to have the same strategy. I visited a Barnes & Noble store this morning, expecting to find copies of my book distributed throughout, but located only a single copy in the home and garden section next to Diana Kennedy’s The Art of Mexican Cooking. I left with a pop-up book about trains and two fridge magnets so I understand the concept of impulse buying but targeting only those preparing for next year’s Cinco de Mayo is a stretch.

In contrast, Chelsea Handler’s book was displayed throughout the store and even had its own colourful cardboard display. Based on your suggestion, I had a quick flick through and owe you a debt of gratitude as I now realise what it takes to receive excellent reviews on Amazon from people like yourself.

Regards, David.

From: Ella Johnson
Date: Wednesday 01 June 2011 3.27am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book

Last email as arguing with a moron is a waste of my valuable time and all you have done is display how ignorant you are. I doubt you have even read anything by Chelsea Handler so what would you know? Nobody asked for your opinion anyway.

Ella J
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 01 June 2011 5.24pm
To: Ella Johnson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book

 

Copyright © David Thorne 2008-2013. All rights reserved.

 

David Thorne vs employee of the month

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 9.11am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Timesheets

Did you use my desk while I was away? You’re not allowed to go on my computer. I can tell someone used it because I shut it down before I left and pulled out the power cord but it was on this morning and where is my mousepad and what is this shit drawn on my desk?

I need to collect everyone’s time sheets for last week as well. Have you done them?

 

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 9.52am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Timesheets

Good morning Simon,

No, I have decided not to do time-sheets anymore. I’m not a robot. As your new token responsibility as time-sheet collector is essentially the office equivalent of placing an OCD child in charge of equally spaced fridge-magnet distribution to keep it occupied while The View is on, this saves you from having to bother with the whole embarrassing process.

Also, while I generally avoid going anywhere near your cubicle of sorrow, lest the lack of atmosphere suck me in and cause my eyes to pop out like in that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he is on Mars and his eyes pop out, I was required to access your computer in your absence due to a client’s request for files.

I actually missed you while you were away. To counter this, I placed a plank of wood in your chair and wrote ‘Simon’ on it. He said I could use your stuff.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 10.05am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Timesheets

YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO USE MY COMPUTER. What client needed a file off my computer? You’re not allowed to put things on the walls in the foyer either. It leaves holes. It was a waste of time anyway because I took it straight down. Some of us have work to do you know.

And you don’t just get to choose if you do your time sheets or not. You’re not special. It’s the rules and accounts need them to bill the client properly. I’ve been here longer than you and I put my time sheets in every week. Everyone has to do them.

1. YOURE NOT ALLOWED NOT TOUCH MY COMPUTER
2. DO NOT USE MY STUFF
3. YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR TIMESHEETS. EVERYONE DOES.

I took a photo of my desk and am going to email it to Jennifer. Is it permanent marker? And where are my pens dickhead?

 

 From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.08am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Dear Simon,

I understand that following a set of rules saves you from having to make decisions but, as you are well aware, all branding services provided by this company are charged at a fixed quote and price. As such, time spent doing time-sheets might be better spent questioning the logic of requiring time-sheets to calculate a fee that has already been agreed upon. Or cleaning your desk.

I once read about five monkeys that were placed in a room with a banana at the top of a set of stairs. As one monkey attempted to climb the stairs, all of the monkeys were sprayed with jets of cold water. A second monkey made an attempt and again the monkeys were sprayed. No more monkeys attempted to climb the stairs. One of the monkeys was then removed from the room and replaced with a new monkey. New monkey saw the banana and started to climb the stairs but to its surprise, it was attacked by the other monkeys. Another of the original monkeys was replaced and the newcomer was also attacked when he attempted to climb the stairs. The previous newcomer took part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Replacing a third original monkey with a new one, it headed for the stairs and was attacked as well. Half of the monkeys that attacked him had no idea why. After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, none had ever been sprayed with cold water but all stayed the fuck away from the stairs.

Being here longer than me doesn’t automatically make your adherence to a rule, or the rule itself, right. It makes you the fifth replacement monkey. The one with the weird red arse and the first to point and screech when anyone approaches the stairs. I would be the sixth monkey, at home in bed trying to come up with a viable excuse not to spend another fruitless day locked in a room with five neurotic monkeys.

Regardless, you will be pleased to learn that due to your absence last week leaving me with a spare hour per day, which is usually dedicated to staring at the back of your head with one eye closed doing that thing with your thumb and finger where you squash it, I did do my time-sheets. Please find attached.

Regards, David.

MONDAY

9am
Arrived at work. Considered staying home in bed but, with Simon being away this week, there is no real reason to be absent. Checked production schedule. Completed my work for the week.

4pm
Cleaned my mouse.

5pm
Left for the day.

TUESDAY

10am
Arrived at work. Answered the phone on Simon’s desk with “Hello, this is Simon Dempsey speaking. How may I be of help to you?” Told client I would have a pdf to them “as quick as a cheetah.”

10.30am
Accessed Simon’s computer using his secret password ‘Archmage’ in order to locate and send requested pdf to client. Sent. Read Simon’s emails. Replied to his mother regarding her question about what to get Auntie Maureen for her birthday. Recommended jumping castle.

11.30am
Attempted to log into Simon’s Facebook. Clicked ‘send me my password’. Checked Simon’s email. Logged into Simon’s Facebook.

Changed status to single. Sent Karen a message saying “Ignore the status change. We haven’t broken up. I just don’t want anyone to know I have a girlfriend.”

Looked at pictures Simon uploaded of himself in a boat. Googled the names of the two guys in Miami Vice. Tagged Simon’s nipples ‘Sony’ and ‘Chubbs’.

4pm
Left for the day.

WEDNESDAY

11am
Arrived at work. Read about Emperor penguins on Wikipedia while having my morning coffee at Simon’s desk. Drew pictures of penguins.

11.30am
Realised the permanent Sharpie I was drawing with had penetrated the paper and Simon’s desk now had eighteen penguins saying ‘Hey’ on it. Hunting for something to clean it with, I used the key Simon hides behind the framed photo of his cat Lady Diana to unlock his top drawer. Found Star Wars Lego. Recreated the scene from the movie where, during a light-saber duel, Vader cuts off Luke’s right hand, reveals that he is his father, and entreats him to convert to the dark side so they can rule the galaxy as father and son. Lost Luke’s hand behind Simon’s desk.

12.30pm
Chased and killed a bee in the office with Simon’s mousepad rolled into a tube while making light-saber noises. Closed Simon’s window.

12.45pm
Thought about the bee’s family waiting expectantly at home for his return. Gave them names. Imagined Bradley rushing into his mother’s outstretched arms, bewailing, “I miss him so much” and Brenda replying, “I know Bradley, I miss him too.”

Performed ceremony. There was cake. Constructed a small funeral pyre on Simon’s desk out of a paperclip, placed Ben’s small lifeless body on top, mentioned his selfless determination to provide for his family, and set it alight.

Unfortunately, I was only into the first verse of Bohemian Rhapsody, the only church song I know, when Ben’s body popped like a corn kernel and flew behind the desk. Unsure if he was still alight, I poured coffee down after him. Realising nobody has ever been behind the desk due to its size and position against a rear wall, I also dropped the remains of the cake and the plate down the back to save me having to walk into the kitchen. Accidently knocked Simon’s pencils down there as well.

And then his mousepad.

3pm
Left for the day.

THURSDAY

12pm
Arrived at work.

1pm
Sat in Simon’s chair without my pants on.

2pm
Left for the day.

FRIDAY

Called in sick. Went shopping. Bought a Keurig.

 

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.29am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Thanks for the evidence dickhead. I emailed that to Jennifer and i changed my password. I am making a formal complaint. Stay off my computer or I will punch you in the throat. I am serious. Are you going to get my stuff out from behind the desk?

 

 From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.41am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Dear Simon,

I wish I had the time. Some of us have work to do and time sheets to complete. I have attached today’s should you wish to also email to Jennifer.

Regards, David.

MONDAY

9am
Arrived at work. I feel it is important to set a good example for the other staff through promptness.

9.11am
Received a series of rather vicious emails from Simon, which began with accusations, insults, questions and demands, and degraded into actual threats of bodily harm. This was after I told him I had missed him while he was away. I find this unprovoked animosity disappointing and would have expected more from the employee of the month.

11.30am
Filled out these time sheets as it is part of the job and allows production to bill the client accordingly. Finding it difficult to concentrate on job priorities today due to the negative environment Simon has created, so will be leaving at lunch time.

 

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.53am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Good. I won’t have to see your ugly head if you go early. You’re the one who will get in trouble dickhead.

 

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 12.09pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets