To all the men and women, past and present, in the Australian and New Zealand armed forces. We will never forget. #respect and #admiration
Alistair Cook, England cricket captain, faces the press after his team goes 2-0 down in the best of 5 test matches against Australia.
[philthy’s note: what follows next is a transcript from Sookie’s post match press interview, after his teams’ humiliating defeat at the hands of Australia in Adelaide Dec 4-8).
Reporter: “Without resorting to the use of a cliché or predictable analogy, can you tell us where you and the rest of the team went wrong in this test match?”
Sookie: “Well, we’re taking it one game at a time, and we came here to play and we trained well leading up to this game, but at the end of the day…”
Reporter: “Yes? What about the end of the day?”
Sookie: “They just wanted it more.”
Reporter: “Are you reading from a script? Is that a piece of paper in your hands, with Andy Flower’s handwriting?” [Andy Flower = England cricket coach, and former star batsman for Zimbabwe].
Sookie: “Yes, Andy asked me not to deviate from the notes he made for me. Actually these are the notes he made after we lost the first test match in Brisbane.”
Reporter: “Can you tell us who is responsible for England’s appalling effort in this match? Don’t look at Andy’s notes! In fact, give that piece of paper to me.”
Sookie [after a few seconds of nervous twitching]: “Well. between you and me I blame Piers Morgan.”
Reporter: “Piers Morgan, the CNN Presenter and D-grade human being?”
Sookie: “Yes that’s him. Spends most of his time on Twitter, posting juvenile, idiotic comments about subject matter which he knows nothing about. It’s really annoying when social commentators try to get behind professionals like us and then open their mouths and pretend to be experts. In the case of Morgan, he twats the first thought that pops into his head about cricket and it’s just embarrassing. Most of our team are all active twatters…”
Reporters: “You mean tweeters.”
Sookie: “No, I’m pretty sure they’re all twatters, especially KP. Ol’ Fig-jam usually twats the most. It’s an ego-thing.”
Sookie: “Fuck I’m good, just ask me.”
Reporter nods and makes some notes on this point.
Sookie: “So yeah, this idiot Piers Morgan is our problem. Nothing to do with myself or the boys, but this dickhead – can I say dickhead? – is another one of those armchair cricket fans who thinks that just because he got KP to play in one of his annual matches between the Morgan family and the local Newick side, he’s got enough expertise to pass judgement on each of us.”
Reporter: “But isn’t his commentary encouraging?”
Sookie: “No, because he’s a dick, and getting support from a dick makes us all dicks.”
Reporter: “I think the whole room agrees with you there, Sookie.”
[all this point in the interview there are loud murmurings of approval with some harsh language interspersed that this blogger won’t repeat.”]
Reporter: “What do you make of Australia’s aggression on the field so far.”
Sookie: “It scares me. I wear extra-absorbent nappies when I’m batting because I can’t keep my sphincter closed. I often have to be pushed out of the tour bus when we arrive at the ground because I don’t want to face the Australian bowlers. Even the fans scare me.”
Reporter: “Would you say you and your team arrived here last month under-prepared for a five-match series?”
Sookie: “No, I think we just weren’t ready.”
Reporter: “OK. Is it fair to say that your performances have been pure shit?”
Sookie: “Well, if it looks like shit, sounds like shit and smells like shit, then it must be shit.”
Reporter: “Touché. Do you have any encouraging words for your loyal fans who have flown out here to Australia to support you in your quest to retain the Ashes?”
Sookie: “I’d like to ask them if any of them can bat or bowl. Or catch.”
[The interview terminates at this point as Captain Sookie begins sobbing uncontrollably and making loud flatulence noises as his bowls start to cave in again. The room clears out very quickly.]
Alistair Cook, England cricket captain: “waaaaa, the Australians are using bad words…. waaaaa…. it’s not fair.”
[philthy’s note: Cap’n Sook, you need to grow a pair of balls and take off the skirt. You were bold enough to sledge the Australian Cricket team in the last Ashes series, and now suddenly life is unfair? You weak, pathetic little man.]
[philthy’s note: take 2 minutes to watch this and feel good about your world.]
A builder has been praised after he resuscitated a child who had collapsed and stopped breathing while out shopping with her mother in Australia.
CCTV footage shows two-year-old Shaylar’s mother, Amy Collard, carrying her to a counter of a Perth supermarket to plead for help after she had lost consciousness before running outside to find her husband, Michael Narkle.
A couple, including tradesman Rowan O’Neill, can then be seen rushing to help the stricken girl – and fearing she was choking, Mr O’Neill turned her upside down in an effort to revive her.
When Mr Narkle enters the store, he can be seen breaking down before he and Mr O’Neill try to save Shaylar by shaking her, patting her on the back and attempting the Heimlich manoeuvre.
When this fails, Mr O’Neill begins mouth-to-mouth resuscitation – and after 90 seconds the girl opened her eyes, local media said.
The toddler’s parents told A Current Affair they were grateful to Mr O’Neill for saving their daughter’s life.
Ms Collard said: “I thought she was going to die. I’m lucky that he was there.”
“Thank you very much,” Mr Narkle added.
Local TV stations have reported that doctors thought Shaylar’s fever caused her to pass out and she was back at home after one night in hospital.