My tribute to Graeme Swann

English spin bowler and one-time “best spinner in modern cricket”, Graeme Swann has today announced his retirement.

So let’s get this into perspective – half-way through an Ashes campaign, Swann decides that not only has the series been lost but also that there is no point hanging around to regain some pride or even to give the hundreds of English cricket fans the pleasure of seeing him in action against the Aussies.

How does one interpret this act? Selfish, pathetic and it typifies English Sportsmanship – they are a bunch of sore losers. It is impossible for an English sportsman to say anything good about his/her opposition when they are losing, but when they are winning the world has to smell their farts for months. Swann’s retirement announcement reinforces this notion and does nothing but drag down an entire nation, back into sporting mediocrity.

In the words of Yoda: “that is why you fail”.

Swann’s achievements for the English cricket team are no longer worth mentioning. I can only replace his bowling and batting achievements with superlatives – Softcock, Loser, Sad, Gutless. Looking for sympathy? It’s in the dictionary somewhere between shit and syphilis.

Now let’s take a new view on Swann’s announcement…

Hey kids, want to play cricket for your country? Yeah? That’s great!! But just remember to follow the lead of the senior English Cricket Team and follow these simple rules:

1. never pay respect to your opposition, it shows weakness.

2. if you’re losing, quit, or as they say in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, “run away!!”.

3. put yourself first, even before your team. That’s pretty much all the English Cricket Team right there.

4. When in doubt and things get tough, think: what would Graeme Swann do? He’d quit

So what’s the message here? When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The rest of the English Cricket team retire and run back home and disgrace themselves, their team and their country. You failed. And I feel bad only for the legions of fans you’ve let down.



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