Alistair Cook, England cricket captain, faces the press after his team goes 2-0 down in the best of 5 test matches against Australia.
[philthy’s note: what follows next is a transcript from Sookie’s post match press interview, after his teams’ humiliating defeat at the hands of Australia in Adelaide Dec 4-8).
Reporter: “Without resorting to the use of a cliché or predictable analogy, can you tell us where you and the rest of the team went wrong in this test match?”
Sookie: “Well, we’re taking it one game at a time, and we came here to play and we trained well leading up to this game, but at the end of the day…”
Reporter: “Yes? What about the end of the day?”
Sookie: “They just wanted it more.”
Reporter: “Are you reading from a script? Is that a piece of paper in your hands, with Andy Flower’s handwriting?” [Andy Flower = England cricket coach, and former star batsman for Zimbabwe].
Sookie: “Yes, Andy asked me not to deviate from the notes he made for me. Actually these are the notes he made after we lost the first test match in Brisbane.”
Reporter: “Can you tell us who is responsible for England’s appalling effort in this match? Don’t look at Andy’s notes! In fact, give that piece of paper to me.”
Sookie [after a few seconds of nervous twitching]: “Well. between you and me I blame Piers Morgan.”
Reporter: “Piers Morgan, the CNN Presenter and D-grade human being?”
Sookie: “Yes that’s him. Spends most of his time on Twitter, posting juvenile, idiotic comments about subject matter which he knows nothing about. It’s really annoying when social commentators try to get behind professionals like us and then open their mouths and pretend to be experts. In the case of Morgan, he twats the first thought that pops into his head about cricket and it’s just embarrassing. Most of our team are all active twatters…”
Reporters: “You mean tweeters.”
Sookie: “No, I’m pretty sure they’re all twatters, especially KP. Ol’ Fig-jam usually twats the most. It’s an ego-thing.”
Sookie: “Fuck I’m good, just ask me.”
Reporter nods and makes some notes on this point.
Sookie: “So yeah, this idiot Piers Morgan is our problem. Nothing to do with myself or the boys, but this dickhead – can I say dickhead? – is another one of those armchair cricket fans who thinks that just because he got KP to play in one of his annual matches between the Morgan family and the local Newick side, he’s got enough expertise to pass judgement on each of us.”
Reporter: “But isn’t his commentary encouraging?”
Sookie: “No, because he’s a dick, and getting support from a dick makes us all dicks.”
Reporter: “I think the whole room agrees with you there, Sookie.”
[all this point in the interview there are loud murmurings of approval with some harsh language interspersed that this blogger won’t repeat.”]
Reporter: “What do you make of Australia’s aggression on the field so far.”
Sookie: “It scares me. I wear extra-absorbent nappies when I’m batting because I can’t keep my sphincter closed. I often have to be pushed out of the tour bus when we arrive at the ground because I don’t want to face the Australian bowlers. Even the fans scare me.”
Reporter: “Would you say you and your team arrived here last month under-prepared for a five-match series?”
Sookie: “No, I think we just weren’t ready.”
Reporter: “OK. Is it fair to say that your performances have been pure shit?”
Sookie: “Well, if it looks like shit, sounds like shit and smells like shit, then it must be shit.”
Reporter: “Touché. Do you have any encouraging words for your loyal fans who have flown out here to Australia to support you in your quest to retain the Ashes?”
Sookie: “I’d like to ask them if any of them can bat or bowl. Or catch.”
[The interview terminates at this point as Captain Sookie begins sobbing uncontrollably and making loud flatulence noises as his bowels start to empty. The room empties just as quickly, and just as noisy.]