English spin bowler and one-time “best spinner in modern cricket”, Graeme Swann has today announced his retirement.
So let’s get this into perspective – half-way through an Ashes campaign, Swann decides that not only has the series been lost but also that there is no point hanging around to regain some pride or even to give the hundreds of English cricket fans the pleasure of seeing him in action against the Aussies.
How does one interpret this act? Selfish, pathetic and it typifies English Sportsmanship – they are a bunch of sore losers. It is impossible for an English sportsman to say anything good about his/her opposition when they are losing, but when they are winning the world has to smell their farts for months. Swann’s retirement announcement reinforces this notion and does nothing but drag down an entire nation, back into sporting mediocrity.
In the words of Yoda: “that is why you fail”.
Swann’s achievements for the English cricket team are no longer worth mentioning. I can only replace his bowling and batting achievements with superlatives – Softcock, Loser, Sad, Gutless. Looking for sympathy? It’s in the dictionary somewhere between shit and syphilis.
Now let’s take a new view on Swann’s announcement…
Hey kids, want to play cricket for your country? Yeah? That’s great!! But just remember to follow the lead of the senior English Cricket Team and follow these simple rules:
1. never pay respect to your opposition, it shows weakness.
2. if you’re losing, quit, or as they say in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, “run away!!”.
3. put yourself first, even before your team. That’s pretty much all the English Cricket Team right there.
4. When in doubt and things get tough, think: what would Graeme Swann do? He’d quit
So what’s the message here? When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The rest of the English Cricket team retire and run back home and disgrace themselves, their team and their country. You failed. And I feel bad only for the legions of fans you’ve let down.
Alistair Cook, England cricket captain, faces the press after his team goes 2-0 down in the best of 5 test matches against Australia.
[philthy’s note: what follows next is a transcript from Sookie’s post match press interview, after his teams’ humiliating defeat at the hands of Australia in Adelaide Dec 4-8).
Reporter: “Without resorting to the use of a cliché or predictable analogy, can you tell us where you and the rest of the team went wrong in this test match?”
Sookie: “Well, we’re taking it one game at a time, and we came here to play and we trained well leading up to this game, but at the end of the day…”
Reporter: “Yes? What about the end of the day?”
Sookie: “They just wanted it more.”
Reporter: “Are you reading from a script? Is that a piece of paper in your hands, with Andy Flower’s handwriting?” [Andy Flower = England cricket coach, and former star batsman for Zimbabwe].
Sookie: “Yes, Andy asked me not to deviate from the notes he made for me. Actually these are the notes he made after we lost the first test match in Brisbane.”
Reporter: “Can you tell us who is responsible for England’s appalling effort in this match? Don’t look at Andy’s notes! In fact, give that piece of paper to me.”
Sookie [after a few seconds of nervous twitching]: “Well. between you and me I blame Piers Morgan.”
Reporter: “Piers Morgan, the CNN Presenter and D-grade human being?”
Sookie: “Yes that’s him. Spends most of his time on Twitter, posting juvenile, idiotic comments about subject matter which he knows nothing about. It’s really annoying when social commentators try to get behind professionals like us and then open their mouths and pretend to be experts. In the case of Morgan, he twats the first thought that pops into his head about cricket and it’s just embarrassing. Most of our team are all active twatters…”
Reporters: “You mean tweeters.”
Sookie: “No, I’m pretty sure they’re all twatters, especially KP. Ol’ Fig-jam usually twats the most. It’s an ego-thing.”
Sookie: “Fuck I’m good, just ask me.”
Reporter nods and makes some notes on this point.
Sookie: “So yeah, this idiot Piers Morgan is our problem. Nothing to do with myself or the boys, but this dickhead – can I say dickhead? – is another one of those armchair cricket fans who thinks that just because he got KP to play in one of his annual matches between the Morgan family and the local Newick side, he’s got enough expertise to pass judgement on each of us.”
Reporter: “But isn’t his commentary encouraging?”
Sookie: “No, because he’s a dick, and getting support from a dick makes us all dicks.”
Reporter: “I think the whole room agrees with you there, Sookie.”
[all this point in the interview there are loud murmurings of approval with some harsh language interspersed that this blogger won’t repeat.”]
Reporter: “What do you make of Australia’s aggression on the field so far.”
Sookie: “It scares me. I wear extra-absorbent nappies when I’m batting because I can’t keep my sphincter closed. I often have to be pushed out of the tour bus when we arrive at the ground because I don’t want to face the Australian bowlers. Even the fans scare me.”
Reporter: “Would you say you and your team arrived here last month under-prepared for a five-match series?”
Sookie: “No, I think we just weren’t ready.”
Reporter: “OK. Is it fair to say that your performances have been pure shit?”
Sookie: “Well, if it looks like shit, sounds like shit and smells like shit, then it must be shit.”
Reporter: “Touché. Do you have any encouraging words for your loyal fans who have flown out here to Australia to support you in your quest to retain the Ashes?”
Sookie: “I’d like to ask them if any of them can bat or bowl. Or catch.”
[The interview terminates at this point as Captain Sookie begins sobbing uncontrollably and making loud flatulence noises as his bowels start to empty. The room empties just as quickly, and just as noisy.]